The way I play

"It's become a habit
A way
To start the day

I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you

...

Imagine what my body would sound like
Slamming against those rocks"

This blog is, unfortunately, dedicated to my Obsessive Compulsive behavior - which is oddly active these last few days. I'm not sure why, it usually kicks in really bad when I'm upset but I feel alright. So, I need to find the culprit...

When I was littler, I used to hate playing Tic-Tac-Toe when I felt compulsive because I felt like dying if anyone (including myself) won diagonally. I also hated winning unless it was symmetrical... which sounds really stupid, I know. It's also very difficult so I'd prefer trying to set up a clean win for the other person, mirroring their moves and hoping they'd start with the centre square. Thank God I rarely felt compulsive as a kid (despite a bout, while living with my Grandfather, where I flicked light switches 3 times). That was because of my parents divorce though, and I was too little to realise that light flicking was unusual. I just thought it made the room feel more like it loved me, like the light was brighter and I wouldn't need to cry. All I can say is that I'm glad I did it an odd amount of times, rather than even, allowing me to end where I wanted it to end (On - off - on, off - on - off). Highschool has lovingly brought out the most compulsive of my behaviors. On Friday, Hannah Gausden jumped infront of me in role call and asked "watcha' doing?" I looked at her a little disappointedly and replied "Counting the tables." She asked me why and I answered, as though it were obvious, "I need to know how many there are". I was, subconsubconsciously rearranging the room, again. I liked it when I had blue desks with red chairs and yellow desks with green chairs more than the current set-up.

Ofcourse, it never lasts after I arrange it. I also don't like hearing people say "What kind of a fuck-wit would do this? What a waste of time!" I waste my time all the time. While writing this, I also just realised I've stopped clicking my fingers! I used to do that every time I was nervous around a girl and it seems to have disappeared. That's good, I guess. I still get terribly anxious while speaking in front of an audience, I used to be so comfortable. I did debating for so long and then... well, maybe I'm just maturing into a Mountain Man, who fears humanity and lives with amongst thick trees and shaking knees. I really have no idea. The letter of the day is 'I', and not because I'm selfish.

Anyway, writing this has calmed my nerves. Come the HSC, I think I'll die. It was good to hear "Ryan, I don't want you to fade away" on Friday, as compared to "I want you to die" on the Thursday. What will I do? That's all people ask me now, I don't want to finish school and have to spill out into the place I'll live and die in. I don't want finality. I don't want progression. I would give anything for a speel of my life and then be let to move on quietly if I chose not to live it personally. Then again, I think I'm insane so I wouldn't trust myself with such a decision. Zoe, thank you for the invite to your party but also for having the name Zoe. It's not Zooey, but it's close and I respect you for having a neat name. S'all so dandy. I have more to say, but I feel I'm getting carried away. I wish I had a river.

Adios, friends.